Writing....its something i stopped doing for a while but i decided to pick up on it again. This month has been odd, its supposed to start winding down from being extremely hot to a more pleasant temperature. But hey not this year. Its super hot but hey its all good, lol. The things that happened last year haven't happened this year. God has been good. He always makes me see his message across the unthinkable and totally unpredictable. The people i lest expected have let me see the truths hidden amongst all the faces we see throughout the day. I saw plans fade into the air, and doors open where there were none. Wise words from friends:
"Stand firm, and trust in the Lord", "Life isn't about what u have n how much it is worth its about whos with you and how worthy they make u feel, friends, family, and the most prized possession God in your heart", "they made fun of me at first but i just smiled cus i knew why i did it...", "Put your trust in God he didn't fail you before, why should he fail you now?", "I only ask God for one thing, to not allow me to loose my sense of humor...cus if i loose it then i am lost!" , "So many worries, man sometimes i don't know what to do, but you know what brother, God is good all the time..." , " For God to speak to us we need to seek humility..."....

I wonder whats in store, what is next. Learning to let go and become fearless has been what this year has thought me. When you least search things come, as long as you pray to stay in the right path. Yet one needs to be wise and not fall for everything. This life is about learning from the mistakes to make a better life not even for ourselves but for the ones behind us by creating a good example for them to follow. I've done my share of mistakes, mistakes i regret but that i dont punish myself nemore with them i use them to reflect what it is that i don't need to do in life. The good examples of others impact me and others to strive forward for the good in us. One thing i heard that will stick in my heart "Its so sad how us Christians are known for what we stand against, instead of what we stand for..." and painfully that is true. I'm sorry if i have hurt, or given anyone a hard time. I want to change, and the change begins with every word that comes out of my mouth, or heart for others to listen and meditate on. God bless you my ppl, never give up, learn who you trust, learn to laugh, learn to give, and learn to let go of the past. 

Ok digging thru the memories of past, the tunes lost in my mind, and tracing back the beats i found a song that spoke to me when i was younger. And the beautiful thing about it is that now that i look back at it i needed to hear this to remind me again that well in this walk God is with us. And its funny how you listen to a song and then immediately you beggin to sing along to it knowing that once it maybe didn't make much sense but now it does. This is the song, the name of the song is There for me by By The Tree(one of the first bands i beggin to listen to when i was in High School)

There For Me- By The Tree

When I'm down you are there for me
When I lay my head, you are there beside me
You are there for me when I'm lonely
You are there for me when I'm alone

Chorus:
Humbly I come to you
So gently You speak to me

I can't always hold on to the things of yesterday
Bring me something new
Maybe we can be together
I will always come running back to you

You are holy
You are worthy
Lord you're always faithful to me
I will wait on you Lord

Funny story of this year. I thought my wings were mature enough to carry me through the wind, i thought i had achieved what it takes to love, i thought i was there at the peak, nothing to stop me nothing to keep me. And i flew, i flew far far enough to not notice that i was drifting away, from that first love that once was given to me. I thought my intentions were pure, i thought my heart meant no harm, and hopefully i didn't cause any, but if i did i ask for forgiveness. And i fell, because my wings could not keep me up...they couldn't...there isn't enough in me, not yet, someday, but not yet. And i only found my heart back here. I wish i would have not gone through this at the point when pain was the thickest, but honestly looking back i see that its good that i went through this. Because i can help others not fall into it. And well its a life experience that i thank God that it was for my own good. Sometimes when the clay is not comming out right, the potter must break the clay back down and begin to do his work in it again. I am the clay. I had to be broken down. Pride is a human's biggest imperfection, its biggest letdown. Pride causes heartbreak, it causes desilussion, it causes deterioration of one's true feelings. And i'm thankful, and now listening to this song that is simple, really short, but really meaningful to me, i can see that God has been there always, no matter what i have gone through hes always there. And yeah i long for something new, for a turnaround. Someone once said if you want to see changes in your surroundings, you have to start by making the changes yourself.

God you have manifested yourself through people, through songs, through quotes, through preachings, and through dreams to me this year. We are only a mere 4 days from it being over. I feel like i didn't do enought this year, i feel like i failed big time this year, i came too short from the things i needed to do. I hurt alot of people around me, lost friends, and all i ever wanted was to do good. But Sometimes failure is a blessing in disguise. I don't know what will come from all of this, i really don't. But the same words comes up all the time, "wait", "be patient...", and "breathe in and breathe out..." I have made this little glass of water i'm in into a raging storm, its time to jump out of the glass of water. Thankyou for being there for me, for being there for my friends through their hardships, for my family, for those people that i have seen suffer so much this year and come out victorious at the end. I might not feel likewise but my time will come. I just don't have to rush my life, let my wings heal before flying again, that is if i wan't to fly again anymore lol. Thankyou for this year 2009. The good memories, that made me feel like i had never felt before. The bad feelings that allowed me to cherish my relationship with you God better, and strengthen it. One quote i liked that i heard this year "When the night is at it's darkest, its because the sunrise will soon apear..."

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Vices- Dead Poetic

Feeling cold, feeling empty. Set the stage, where you want me.
And this crowd right before me doesn’t care that I’m dying.
And the audience stands with their eyes fixed on the preconceived version of me.
I’m so betrayed by your hopes, but I will not hide myself for your peace of mind.

Oh, but Child. I’ve got Vices like any other man.

Raise a boy to a cynic. Take his love, and then let it turn into something passionate.
Something sick, something rabid.
And I vent to keep myself from caving. I don’t hate you, I just hate where I’m heading.
I’m left here asking, when did I trade in my bleeding heart for a selfish win?

Oh, but Mother. I’ve got Vices like any other man.
Vices that you’re not used to. Vices that’ll make you think less of me.

Leave me numb. Leave me jaded. She’s a dream, I just play dead.
I’ve been blessed, I’ve been hated. She’s the constant, and I’m her addict.
She’s the only peace in this world, uneasy.
While I bite my tongue to keep from breaking the heart that I’ve spent my whole life seeking.
The only heart I’ve ever needed.

Oh, but Lover. I’ve got Vices like any other man.
Vices that you’re not used to. Vices that’ll make you think...
Oh, but Lover. I’ve got Vices like any other man.
Vices that you’re not used to. Vices that’ll make you think less of me. Less of me.

Feeling cold, feeling empty. I am low, unworthy.
Bleed the God. Bleed the blessing. Like a vulture feasting.
I’ll exist as if I don’t feel conviction of my ignorance to my perfect prison.
But I feel the stabs on my wrists and ankles every time I try...

To forget you. To forget you.

Oh, but Jesus. I’ve got Vices like any other man.
Vices that you’re so used to. Vices that won’t make you think less of me.

___________________________________________________________________________________

This song totally gave me a K.O. punch in the chest. I have listened to many songs that try to say this  yet its allways from the third person point of view. Its like we never see the true pain in someone, cus its allways us seeing someone in pain. And I relate so much, because i myself fell into vices into things that were not normal, and God knows me and my heart and he knows that i never tried to stay tangled in that web, and yet somehow i got tangled in it and saw the pain in such a crude and explicit way. I regret what i did, and yet the only way i got out of it was with God's help. I allways tried by myslef writing against it, being a strong speaker against it and yet i was such a hipocrite cus i never turned my angst to God. I always thought that i was gonna get over it by myself but that was such a selfish mistake. I lost friendships that could have been much more, i lost people that i could have helped, and i went into a haitus because i couldn't bare the shame that was on my back. I thought that by lessening my voice by going back and hiding in the shadows, by not speaking up, and not making waves i would feel less of a hipocrite; and in the end i was wrong, that was the sole purpose of the vice to turn off my light, my voice, my identity, myslef in the end. And its funny because every sentence in this song hits me. Were afraid like in the first chorus to mislead the children that are looking up to us, the ones that have us in the spotlight, that take us as a person to follow. Yet in the end were just like any other man, were not special. Sometimes we don't want our family to think less of us, like in the second chorus it says. And yet sometimes our parents know that there is something wrong yet they don't want anyone else to know just to keep the family looking "clean" before society. Also sometimes when we find love, or at least potential love we feel that there are things that if we let them out will ruin our dream of finding an honest loving relationship. Just like the third chorus says, and yet we hide them we hide those dark secrets to go on through life.
My favorite part of this song has to definetly be the end, the end where the singer notices that there is nothing left to do. Knowing that he has failed from being someone to be admired and followed to be an archetype, knowing that he has failed his family, knowing that he has failed his lover, he comes to Jesus. It is then and there where he notices that only Jesus can cure him, can heal him. And the last lines end in him noticing that only Jesus knows how to deal with his vices that others tend to reject or ignore.
I got vices too like any other man, but i thank Jesus that he has helped me get rid of them. If you got vices put your trust in him, before its too late and you are in a point of no return. He wont neglect you and stereotype you, he won't say "there is nothing wrong keep on doing it if it makes you happy", he won't think less of you, all he will do is forgive you. He will let you know that one day he got so sick of watching people cry after commiting adultry, watching people feel embarasement and pain over rape, watching people get beaten for injustice, watching the poor and sick being mistreated, watching the children cry, and even looking into the future and seeing you strugle. And i can see Jesus say "That is enough there is a way to clear the tears from their eyes, and scars in their hearts...and the only way to do that is to give myself up for them, so that they won't be judged for things that they don't deserve to die for." And he came he lived amoungst us saw the pain, lived the pain, he cried when a friend passed away, he was hungry, he saw injustice, and yet he had a clear mission.

John 3:16-21 (NIV)
 ¹⁶"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,^[f] that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ¹⁷For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. ¹⁸Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son.^{[g] 19}This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. ²⁰Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. ²¹But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."^[h]

His mission was simple and injust, he died so we wouldn't have to die, he gave up his throne his majesty, himself, everything he is and he came to us, became poor and died an injust death and was even insulted and beaten so you and i wouldn't have to go through that. The devil just can't wait to see you in pain its like a comedy for him, but Jesus wants to see you smile he wants to see you set free from your vices, and all those things that keep you down. If you recognize that there is no way out give Jesus a try, and if you don't want to its ok may God bless you and let you understand that there is a better life in him. But if you recognize, and feel that you need a change in your life, just pray wherever you are and tell Jesus that you recognize his sacrifice and that you want to repent from the things that you have done, and that you accept him as your saviour. And that is it you have accepted him as your creator, but don't keep it in share it if you know someone in pain, because in the end we all have vices and all suffer.

Romans 3:22-26 (NIV)

²²This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, ²³for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, ²⁴and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. ²⁵God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement,^[i] through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— ²⁶he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.

God bless you!

{~_^}

"Bleed the God. Bleed the blessing. Like a vulture feasting.
I’ll exist as if I don’t feel conviction of my ignorance to my perfect prison.
But I feel the stabs on my wrists and ankles every time I try...
To forget you. To forget you.
Oh, but Jesus. I’ve got Vices like any other man.
Vices that you’re so used to. Vices that won’t make you think less of me."

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